Living with the Full Catastrophe

Dear friends -

In a recent phone conversation, a well-intentioned friend, after inquiring how Christopher, Ileah and I were doing, responded very cheerfully that time heals all wounds. I felt stunned by her comment, unsure how to respond. Does she really believe this? Because I work in an organization that serves many people whose wounds don't get all better, and from some wounds people actually die. One's definition of "healing" has to be pretty broad to include all that.

Cliff's death ripped a hole in the world where he used to be. After the shock of that, I found a part of me had died, too. While some things heal, that part hasn't grown back. It may not be evident to others that anything is missing, but it's very evident to me. It's as if I'm living in a different body, experiencing the world through a different set of senses, having had to re-familiarize myself with everything from a changed perspective.

As well as they are functioning and re-engaging with the world, Christopher and Ileah are also experiencing an irreparable loss. As someone whose own father died at 46 of cancer, I know what a hole that left in my life, particularly during my 20s and 30s. Christopher and Ileah had unique relationships with their very unique Papa. This, their ages and maturity, and the sudden and traumatic circumstances of his death have shaped and will continue to shape their own experiences.

I don't want people to feel sorry for any of us. We are each taking care of ourselves, taking the next steps in our lives. We are each in our own ways very capable people. We have amazing circles of family and friends, and we have the love and support of each other, all of which has been tested and deepened.

Yes, there is healing that happens. Yes, there can be creative, generative, adaptive responses to this kind of loss. Christopher and Ileah, two of the most creative and intelligent people I know, have already demonstrated this. And there are also some wounds that can never completely heal, some parts of us that can't grow back. We live with all of this -- as Jon Kabat Zinn says, the full catastrophe.